Holding on for a hero

To develop my Catholic identity, or to develop it in my family, requires intentional living. It is not enough to float through my life, to be comfortable in my Catholicism. If I'm comfortable, I'm not doing it right.

By intentional living, I mean that my life has to be specifically oriented toward the Lord. Everything I do has to be toward His greater glory. In other words, I have to live the way the saints did, with heroic virtue. (Being human, I will probably stumble. Praise the Lord then for the gift of the Sacrament of Reconciliation.)

Fr. Z wrote about heroic virtue, the quality that defines a saint, the other day. I'm going to quote him here:

"But Father! But Father!”, some of you are about to say. “Heroic virtue? Really?
How can any of us aspire to such a thing! That’s sounds terribly difficult!”

It isn’t easy, but it is possible.

We are all called to be saints. God wouldn’t ask something of us that isn’t possible. And when He asks things that are hard, He also provides the means and the occasions. Even in your suffering, for example, or your obscurity, you can serve Him. God knew you before the creation of the material universe. He called you into being now, in this world. Of all the possible worlds God could have created, He created this
world, into which you would be born. He has a plan and purpose your you, if you
will embrace it.

Heroic virtue isn't developed overnight. I can name several places in my own life right now where I can do better to develop that heroic virtue. I can take a set time out of my day for prayer (Divine Mercy Chaplet takes 5 minutes to say!). I can read scripture instead of that new chick lit book before I go to bed. I can read about the faith.

I teach a group of kids on Sunday mornings. They range in age from 9-16. Some haven't been baptized, and some are from families who are coming back to the Church after some time away. None of them have made their First Communion nor have they been Confirmed. When we came to the Feast of the Epiphany, our first class back after the Christmas break, I challenged them to make a "New Year's Resolution." It was to be one small thing that they can do in their daily lives to show love for others and love for God. Maybe it was to say a decade of the Rosary every day. Maybe it was to talk to one lonely person at their school every day. Or to help do one extra thing around the house every day. Something that they could do and that they would do. I have made it a point every week to remind them of their resolutions and to encourage them in these things. It takes 6 weeks to change or to start a new pattern of behavior. In a few more weeks, we'll revisit these resolutions and see how we're doing. If we've got the new pattern mastered, we can add something else (like, bumping it up to two decades of the Rosary, etc.).

You don't run a marathon without training for it. You start out running short distances and then you gradually work up to that 26.2 miles. I believe that the best way to cultivate that heroic virtue within myself and my family is to start with one small thing and do it faithfully for a while and then to add something else to do.

One of the best things I've read on this is "Introduction to the Devout Life," by St. Francis de Sales. I am also seriously afraid right now that I may have co-opted this great work. If I have, I am so sorry. Anyway, you should buy it and read it. Or borrow it from the library. It's written for people who are living in the world, not in a cloister. How to cultivate devotion in your daily life of taking care of your kids and husband. And he just makes sense.

Identity crisis

These three things (confusion, negotiation, and loss of Catholic identity) are some of the things that are causing the Church to bleed people out to the evangelical Christian churches. Poor catechesis is the biggest reason (why on earth would you leave the Church if you know that it's where you can get the Jesus in the Eucharist-and what that means?), but a close second is a loss of our Catholic identity (Pope Benedict is all about this. So is Fr. Z.).

Why else would a "Good Catholic family" choose to send their kids to a decent public school when they could send their kids to a decent Catholic school? Why else would a good family leave St. Peter's for the Hope Evangel Church of Christ (led by a former Catholic who is now their pastor)? It's not really because they can't afford the tuition (if it's important to your identity, you find a way to sacrifice to make it happen). It's not really because the evangelicals demand less than the Catholics do (I think in many instances, it's the opposite).

It's because Christian denominations have become interchangeable to Catholics. On the whole, many adults don't know basic truths (facts) about the Church and what She teaches. A 2008 survey by CARA showed that just 57% of all adult Catholics surveyed believe in the real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist.


I've seen it myself in the parish where I am. I have seen families who think that going to any church is ok, if they go at all. I've worked with families that have the kids go to CCD and to Sunday school or youth group at another Christian church-and see nothing wrong with it. They don't know there are theological differences between the different approaches to Christianity and they don't seem to be aware of any confusing messages that the children might pick up.

We have lost a sense of what makes Catholics, well, Catholic. How many families do you know that gets together for a Rosary every night-or once a week? Gosh, how many of them even get together for dinner every night? How many people do you know who wear a scapular? I can only think of one I know for sure-and he's a 90 year old priest. How many people do you know who wear a Miraculous Medal-and WHY? Wearing a cross around your neck is kind of fashionable. But how many people do you know who do it with real devotion and not just as another piece of jewelry?

In the interest of full disclosure, the only one of those things to which I can say, "yes, I do that myself" is the one about the Miraculous Medal. I was going to say that our family is doing it's best, but we're really not. We're not doing our best because it's a little work to do all of those things.

Yes, to reinforce a Catholic identity, or to develop one, takes work. It takes living intentionally. So many of us (me especially) are content to float through life, going through the basic motions of what it means to be a Catholic Christian. We say grace before meals (most of the time), we go to Sunday Mass, we say goodnight prayers with our kids, and all of these are good things. BUT aren't we all called to do more? Didn't Jesus give His life for us? Doesn't that require a radical commitment from all of us? And a renewal of that commitment every day?


(stay tuned for part 3)

Lower your expectations; get less than you expect

I am a firm believer in setting your expectations for others to be reasonably high. Take my children for example. I expect them to put their dirty laundry into the hamper. I remind them, but I expect it from them. I expect them to be polite not only to others, but to each other and above all, to their parents. And they do these things. Not always, and I do sometimes have to remind them, but overall, they do what I expect.

Why would they live up to my expectations? 1. They know I love them, 2. My expectations are reasonable: things that anyone their ages should be able to do. (I'm not asking the 4 year old help shovel the walk-though she does it readily. She thinks it's FUN!) and 3. They love me and they do not want to disappoint me. Nor do they want the consequences of failing to live up to the expectations.

Yes, consequences. If you don't eat your dinner, you will not get dessert. If you don't put your dirty socks in the wash, you will have no clean socks to wear. If you are rude to mom, you get to deal with dad.

I have been trying to drill into my 7th grade CCD kids' heads the holydays of obligation in the USA. And I have been trying to impress upon all of the kids I am in contact with (in my class and the 8th grade Confirmation candidates) the importance of weekly (and Holyday) Mass attendance.

To review, the Holydays of Obligation in the USA are:

January 1, feast of Mary, Mother of God
40 days after Easter, Ascension Thursday
August 15, Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
November 1, All Saints' Day
December 8, Immaculate Conception of Mary
December 25, Christmas

So, after the boys, Scott, and I stayed up to watch the ball drop on New Year's Eve, we woke in time to get to 9:00 Mass for the Holyday of Obligation. We thought. Yes, I work at the parish, but I forgot the Holyday schedule is not the same as the Sunday schedule, and we were late for Mass by half an hour. Mass was nearly over by the time we arrived. So, we went home. Then I thought to myself, "Is it even a holyday this year? It's Saturday." So I googled it. And lo, the holyday was abrogated this year. Because it fell on a Saturday. The Holyday is also abrogated when it falls on a Monday, too. So, let's look at that list again for 2010:

January 1, feast of Mary, Mother of God (not abroagted in 2010)
40 days after Easter, Ascension Thursday (transferred to the following Sunday in all but 6 dioceses in the US)
August 15, Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary (happened to be a Sunday in 2010)
November 1, All Saints' Day (abrogated)
December 8, Immaculate Conception of Mary (never abrogated)
December 25, Christmas (never abrogated)

In 2010, 3 of the 6 Holydays were transferred or abrogated in almost all of our nation's dioceses.
Did you know that according to the code of canon law (canon 1246), there are actually 10 holydays of obligation? Yes, it's true! In the USA, we have either dropped or transferred to Sunday: Epiphany, Corpus Christi, and the Solemnities of St. Joseph and of Sts. Peter and Paul.

I can appreciate what I think our Bishops Conference is trying to do. I think that they don't want people who wouldn't go to Mass those days to have mortal sins on their souls for choosing not to go to Mass. I really think they decided to do what they thought was best.

I am not a bishop. I don't even play one on TV. I don't claim to know more than our shepherds, nor do I claim to be more Catholic than any one of them. I know that the Lord has chosen them to lead us and we should be willing to be led.

It just seems to me that what this abrogation of holydays and what this removal of holydays really is, is a lowering of our bishops' expectations for us. It's kind of like, "We know it's really hard for you to take an extra 10 hours out of your year to go to Mass for special days, especially since most of you don't go to Sunday Mass at all. So, we're going to make it easier for you. You only have to go on these few days. Not so bad, right?"

There are a few downsides to this line of thinking: 1. It's confusing. I mean, I work at a church and I go to Mass every week and I don't even know when it's really an obligation or not. 2. It leads people to wonder what else is negotiable. This is a very slippery slope. I saw it in people in my parents' generation after Vatican II: "Now it's not a sin to eat meat on Friday (but you have to remember to make a different act of penance)." "Not a sin to eat meat on Friday?! What else isn't a sin?" 3. To take away or abrogate Holydays of Obligation, which are important because of the events and people they celebrate, chips away at our Catholic identity. There is less and less that separates us from Protestant Christians.

(tune in next time for part 2)

Sucky

suckity sucksucksucksucks suck.



My life is complicated and stressful right now. And in it I can see God's hand holding mine. I can see Him providing though the kindness of other people and I am grateful.



Just not cheerful.



I am beyond frustrated with certain people I am related to.



I am depressed.



I am angry.



I want normal again.



I want this sh!t to stop hitting the fan during the winter holidays (This isn't the first time it has all gone to hell right before Thanksgiving). I feel stressed right now because I can't do the things I want to do at this time of year. I don't feel adequately SPIRITUALLY prepared for Christmas.



I can't think any further ahead than the next 5 minutes. It's 12:13. I'm just trying to get to 1:00.



I feel like I'm in a constant state of prayer because otherwise I would have lost my mind.



Went to the OB yesterday. Unbelieveably, my blood pressure was normal: 110/70. That is a miracle because I spent the whole morning trying to wrangle 2 misbehaving children at Mass and listening to them bicker and tattle on each other ALL MORNING. ALL MORNING!



I feel like I go around the clock and am accomplishing nothing.

I know so many of you are praying for me. And I am so grateful for that. And I know that these problems I have, when taken with those of other people, are not a lot.

I'm just in the thick of it right now. And trying to get to 1:00.

Random randomness part 785

Hello, Internet. I know you missed me. My life has been cuckoo crazy lately. Here's a recap:

1. both boys played flag football in a rec league this fall. This totally kicked my butt. They were in 2 different age groups, so they played on different days and had totally different practices and some of the older boy's games didn't even end until after 9. Monday-Thursday of every week was football in addition to the OT for one of the kids, two different cub scout dens, and CCD for me two nights a week.
   
2. I am leading our younger son's cub scout den, which feels completely overwhelming, but probably because of the flag football experience as outlined above. I do enjoy it, but I feel I have have said yes to too much this year.
   
3. Case in point: I allowed myself to be guilted into serving as a class mom again for my daughter's preschool class. I was told that they asked everyone else. I'm not sure that's the whole truth. It's fun, but this year can be a lot of work. The teacher already let me off the hook with the huge Thanksgiving breakfast they usually do (she's just coming back from maternity leave and I asked her if we can back off on it), but I still get to chair all of the class parties, field day, "beach" party, and graduation. Which all takes place in the beginning of June and should prove interesting because:
4. Giglio baby #4 will likely be born that week (I'm emailing all of the parents next week to delegate all of that end-of-year stuff.). We are really excited because we've been trying (or not not trying) to get pregnant since January. Reaction was mixed when we announced it to our families at Thanksgiving dinner (Dinner deserves a post of its own that will never be written. Stressful. not unborn-child-related). Feeling queasy and tired all the time, even at the 12 week mark. Pretty sure it's a girl.
   
5. My niece came to stay with last last Sunday. She'll be with us for a while. She needs our prayers. Please pray for us as well.

So, there is most of it, I think. Isn't that enough?

I have to say I'm super jazzed to be pregnant at the same time once again as my best girl, Aimee. We're both due within a month of each other again.

I know I owe you posts. God willing, my life will slow down some. Someday. The way my luck seems to be running, I'll get put on bedrest. The upside would be that I'd have nothing to do but blog. The downside would be that chaos would ensue.

Blessed Mother, pray for me!

Went to Ellis Island

There is an exhibit there right now called "Women and Spirit: Catholic Sisters in America." It was really great and showed how much religious sisters contributed to life in America from its very beginning. Did you know that religious sisters helped to found the Mayo Clinic? Did you know that an American sister died in the Civil War tending the injured soldiers? And at the beginning of the Civil War, sisters ran 30 hospitals to treat battle-wounded people, while the Union and Confederate Armies between them ran just 3?


It also had several habits that sisters had worn through their history there and passports, original baggage that the sisters brought to the USA and their naturalization papers. The exhibits profiled St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, St. Katherine Drexel, and St. Frances Xavier Cabrini.


It was weird to see a wimple that one order of sisters had worn in a display case. It was similar to the one below (worn by St. Catherine Laboure), but it didn't come down in the back. The sisters wore it as part of their habit from 1684-1964. Imagine, the order wore basically the same habit for nearly 500 years, until 1964.


What happened in 1964? Oh yeah, this was going on. It was the '60's! Time to throw 500 years of tradition out the window and, like, totally engage the world, you know? Because when you wear a habit it's so hard to, like, be in the world, you know? Because people might, like, recognize you for being Catholic and have some expectations for you to totally represent Jesus in every way. Jesus was all about peace and love and social justice. He had long hair just like all the boys in the '60's. And He never, like, brought people down about following the rules and stuff. Oh, but wait. Didn't He say He didn't come to abolish the Old Covenant? And I think He was fairly clear about following the Law. (Mt. 5: 17-20) Jesus isn't a hippie.


I can't speak for every woman, but I am proud to be Scott's wife. I rarely leave take off my wedding ring and if it weren't totally tacky to wear a T-shirt all the time that says: "Scott's wife" I would.


Which is why, if Jesus selected ME to be His bride, and I said "yes," I would want to scream about it from the rooftops. Because, no offense to any men (especially not to MY man), but Jesus is the PERFECT spouse. I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to wear that habit all the time and show the world just by your clothes that you are honored and privileged to be the Bride of Christ.



I don't want to give a poor impression of the exhibit, put together by the Leadership Conference of Women Religious (who haven't been really happy about the apostolic visitation that Pope Benedict has sent to investigate all orders of women religious). I hope that it helps all who see it understand the very real contributions that Catholic sisters brought and still bring to our country. It was a beautiful exhibit. Right up until the end.


That's when they got to modern times. It was awesome to see so many clergy and sisters marching on Selma, Alabama in support of Civil Rights. It was less awesome watch a sister advocating for women's ordination to Pope John Paul II when he came to the USA in 1979. I wonder what Mother Cabrini or Mother Seton or Mother Drexel would say to that?


The exhibit dead-ended at a wall right there at that video. As I write this I wonder if it wasn't fitting that the exhibit came to a dead end right there. Most of the orders in the LCWR are dying. Young women are not joining those orders the way that they are the orders that belong to the Council of Major Superiors of Women Religious. A lot of these orders have a different kind of vocations crisis: not enough places to put all of the women who want to become postulants.

To exit the exhibit, I had to walk back through the entire thing, back to the beginnings of the sisters' history in the USA. As I remember this, it occurs to me that the problems facing us in regard to today's religious sisters aren't really that new. It seems that as long as there have been religious orders there have been those who thought the rule was, like, too haaaaard, you know? Look at good old St. Benedict. He comes up with his rule, and at first a whole bunch of guys think it's great. They follow him up Monte Cassino, and then there are so many of them that Benedict goes to found a new house. Except the guys in the new house think the rule is too hard to follow. So they try to kill him.

Then there's St. Teresa of Avila. She goes into the Carmelites and is a little surprised to find that instead of being cloistered, a lot of the nuns spend time chatting up rich donors. Teresa liked it for a while, but then she begins to think there should be something more, well, God-focused. So she reforms the Carmelites and gets in all kinds of trouble, not just with her sisters and superiors but with the clergy too.

Maybe right now the wheel is turning. This, too, shall pass. Maybe this is just what we have to go through to usher in a new golden age of the Church. Only the Lord knows which saints are in the making right now. Let's pray for them.

I'm still not a rocket scientist....

So Newark's about to get $100 mil. from the CEO of Facebook. That's great. Really. I hope it helps more kids learn to read, to do math, and to stay away from the streets.

But I'm pretty sure he could give any failing school system a BILLION dollars and it would still do no good at all if those kids don't have stable homes and neighborhoods to return to after school. No amount of money will help if the kids don't have a parent or grandparent at home to take care of them and to make sure they stay on top of them.

Extending school hours is NOT the answer. Kids don't need to be brought up by the state. Kids need to be at home with mom or dad. Kids need to get outside and play and run around. Kids need to use their imaginations; to play ball in the street with their friends till the street lights come on. Kids need their dads not to be in prison. Kids need their moms not to have to work 3 jobs to keep food on the table.

Kids need the state to give their moms and dads their money back. That way, maybe mom or dad can stay home with them so they stay out of trouble. Kids need strong families so they don't feel like they have to turn to a gang to get the love and acceptance and discipline they crave.

Kids from stable homes do better in school. Throwing a billion dollars ($900 mil from NJ + Zuckerberg's $100 mil) into Newark's crappy schools won't fix this. Kids' families need fixing.

What I have learned from my clothesline

In August, just as I had gotten completely caught up with my laundry (really!), my dryer stopped working. It wouldn't turn on at all.

Scott is a can-do kind of guy. Why pay someone else to fix something when you can do it yourself? With the help of the amazing internet, Scott has fixed and installed loads of things around our place and in our cars, saving us untold hundreds of dollars in repair costs.

So, Scott took it apart. He cleaned all of the lint out of the inside of the dryer, the whole exhaust line, and any other place you can think of. We had cleaned out the line before, and I always empty the lint trap, but over 10 years lint gets EVERYWHERE!!!!!!! He thought we needed a new thermo-thing-whatever-it-is (a safety part that makes sure your dryer doesn't get too hot and set your house on fire). It's designed to fail as soon as the inside of the dryer by the motor gets too hot. It is not fixable, so it has to be replaced. Presumably, when replacing the thermo-thing, one would also notice all that lint and clean it out. Or, for normal people, your repairman would do that.

Scott ordered the part, replaced it, put the dryer back together and painted over the rusty spot of the top of the dryer where I had kept the laundry detergent. Wonderful! It worked!

For one load. Now the drum won't turn. He took it apart. Maybe the belt wasn't on properly. He re-laid the belt. He reassembled the dryer.

Nothing. We need a new motor.

The man just this week finished his master's degree. He was doing all of this while trying to get his papers written and go to work and all of the usual Dad stuff he does. As a result, our family of 5 has been without a dryer for a month. No one is wearing less clothes. In fact, there is more laundry now than there was in the summer because I am washing school uniforms as well.

I am not going to lie to you and say that I have been patient about all of this. I have tried (sometimes hard, sometimes not) to avoid nagging him about getting this thing done. I have tried to be cheerful in doing my wash even as certain people complain that they have no (name article of clothing here). I have tried.

This drying is trying. The weather's not as hot as it had been at the beginning of all of this, so the clothes aren't drying in a hour. And now with the kids in school and me working, I really don't have a lot of time to hang wash out.

I did manage to get some things on the line yesterday afternoon. Then we had a thunderstorm while I was at work. No one who was at home brought in the wash.

What this trying experience has taught me is that you can't always make things go the way you want them. Sometimes, your son will turn the hose on the dirt near your just-dried jeans and accidentally splash mud on them. You have do things when you have the chance. You have to plan how you will do it. You have to be patient.

What this trying experience has taught me is that you have to see how not only you are frustrated by the things out of your control. You have to see that your attitude as woman of the house will impact everyone else under your roof. You have to love them all through whatever life hands your way. You have to see that if the broken dryer and the splattered mud are the worst of it, you're very fortunate indeed.

If you can see these things, you will grow to appreciate the feel of the sun on your hair and your newly-acquired mosquito-swatting skills. You will realize that this may just be the Lord's way of getting you to slow down a bit and listen. Listen to Him speaking to you in the three minutes of quiet you'll get as you hang out your laundry.

Everyone likes a smackdown

"What made you do this? You are flowers who shed no perfume, but stench that makes the whole world reek." St. Catherine of Siena, writing to three Italian cardinals who supported the anti-pope during the Great Western Schism.

Ah, St. Catherine of Siena. I love her. She knew when to let people have it, even the pope. And they asked for it. The pope and bishops of her time asked her for her advice and she didn't sugar-coat it. She just told you. Sometimes she told them, even when they didn't ask. She made change happen. She got the pope to come back to Rome after fleeing for France (of course, after she died, he left again. I guess he needed her to keep kicking him in the pants.)

I think of how I'd like to tell some bishops off. Especially with all of the horrible crimes that some priests and bishops have committed that are all over the press now. The temptation is to vent all of one's justified anger toward these weak, weak men in an email and to just hit "send."

The main difference between Catherine and me is this: she understood that she wasn't equal to God. She understood humility. She understood that she wasn't better than those foul-smelling Italian bishops to whom that quote above is addressed.

I don't understand humility. Other people's mistakes make me feel, even for a second, better than they are. Don't you try to say that you never feel the same way. "If I were a priest, this would never have happened. If I were a bishop, I would have defrocked that priest instead of covering the abuse up! If I were that child's mother, I would have just called the cops; the bishop would have found out from the DA, not from me!"

I try to give myself a pass, thinking, maybe Catherine understood it better because she had visions and personal, face-to-face conversations with God. I think to myself, if God showed up in my room when I was praying, I'd get it too.

Catherine recorded that in one of her visions God told her: "I am who am; you are she who is not."

"I am who am; you are she who is not."

I am she who is not.

Y'know, Lord, that really kind of takes the fun out of the whole righteous indignation thing. You're really busting my flow.

See, thing is, it's all over the Bible how we're supposed to behave, how we're supposed to treat one another and how we dare not play God. I don't get a pass because Jesus isn't tapping me on the shoulder, reminding me to be humble as He is. I have the Scriptures to do that, I have good preaching to remind me. I have Jesus in the Eucharist to remind me how I am supposed to be.

And I have the writings of St. Catherine of Siena to prick my conscience when it needs it, when I need to be reminded.

I am she who is not.

the winter of our discontent

In February, the kids had the fever with temp spikes up to 104. The weekend of Jan. 31/ Feb. 1, Bubba came down with it on Friday and the fever finally broke on Monday after the sore throat started. He was back to school Wednesday. The following Friday, Primo got the same bug as Bub, with the same symptoms and for the same duration. That weekend also saw Curly Sue come down with a low-grade temp (about 100), but she was done with it in 24 hours. That was the weekend of snowmageddon, which never really happened here. The following weekend saw Curly Sue awake at 5:00 screaming in pain. Ear Infection. The following Friday saw Curly Sue with a fever hitting a high of 104 up and down for 4 days. She was finally clear to go to school by Thursday of that week (incidentally, another snowstorm which canceled school).

Just as I am thinking we're all in the clear, no more fevers, the stomach viruses have begun. Bub vomiting last Tuesday (one episode, better by 2:00). Curly Sue got it on Thursday (same everything). Primo had a little tummy trouble Saturday morning, but was fine. Played the best basketball game of his life that morning. Today, Curly Sue got it again. She's still asleep on the couch and I am going to get up now and wash some sheets. I am going to open the windows again today since it will be almost 60 here.

Is it spring yet?!

trying

I am trying harder now to be more patient with my children. One way I'm trying to do this is to say a Hail Mary before I start screaming. It's a lot like counting to 10, but it takes a little longer and it's actual prayer (multitasking-yes!). I figure Mary was Jesus' mom, and while she and Jesus were sinless and probably didn't really drive each other crazy, she's probably witnessed some crazy in Nazareth. And in the roughly 2000 years since her Assumption, she's witnessed a lot of crazy--from the vantage point of heaven, of course. So, I'm asking her intercession while I try not to yell at my kids all day long.

Sometimes the prayer is audible, sometimes not, but the kids know what I'm doing and I wonder what they're thinking when they see me do this. I don't want them to associate the Hail Mary with me being fed up. They have asked me "what are you doing," as they watch me moving my lips, eyes raised to heaven. I tell them I'm asking Mary to pray for me.

This leads me to wonder of you know any moms who don't yell. I know one, but I guess I could be acquainted with more and just not know it. She's really sweet. I have seen her with her family and with other peoples' kids and I have never heard her even raise her voice above an "inside voice" tone. I don't know how she does it, especially since she has more than 10 kids of her own. Yes, you read that right. And I have never in 7 years of knowing her heard her raise her voice. There is an air about her. It's peace. She radiates peace.

I'm not sure what I radiate, but it's not peace. I think I radiate agitation. I radiate bad juju.

Actually, I do think I know how she does it. I'm pretty sure she prays more than me. She's definitely one of the holiest people I know. She seems to have put all of her life in the Lord's hands, and she is confident in His Providence.

This is my problem. I try to do too much. I pay good lip service to "Leaving it up to God," "His Will be done!" But I find myself trying to control things and then getting frustrated by the things I have no control over. Like the weather canceling or postponing events I've organized for Church. Dang, I can't make the blizzard either show up or avoid us. And I can't even rejoice in the time off.

Which brings me back to Mary. There she was, a 14 year old girl, and this angel shows up and tells her that God wants her to bear His Son. And after she gets over being confused ("How can this be? I don't know man."), she tells the angel, "I am the handmaid of the Lord. Let it be done to me according to your word." And she probably never thought, "Boy, what's Joseph going to think? What are all the women in town going to think about me?" She probably just knew God would take care of it. She was that humble.

I read this today and it kind of jumped out at me. Maybe it will hit you, too:

We are afflicted in every way, but not constrained; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our body (2 Cor. 4:8-10).

Let it be done to me according to your word.

Can we talk?

I mean, I know it's probably not good, what I'm about to say, but, well, that never stopped me before.

What's up with people and ashes?

We must have had thousands of people come through our church today for ashes since it's Ash Wednesday. If I wasn't taking a CCD class to Mass tonight, I would never have gone to Mass. I hate Ash Wednesday.

Hate is a strong word. And I don't have a problem with the day. I think it's great, actually. What I dislike is people coming in the church door for ashes and then not coming back until next Ash Wednesday.

Is it because we're giving something away?

Well, guess what, folks? We give Jesus away at every Mass. And He's way better than ashes.

unscholarly book reviews

Because you never asked, I am going to rant about, erm, discuss some books.

This is precipitated by the fact that I just read one to my daughter.

We were given two books for children by this author. These are the only books by him that I have ever read, so what I am about to type may not be completely fair as I have not read a large sample of his work.

I have never liked children's literature that was cloying and sickly sweet-not even when I was a kid. I don't think it respects the mind or imagination of a child to spoon-feed them pabulum. Give me Roald Dahl and Shel Silverstein every time.

These books by Max Lucado are everything I don't like about children's stories.

Maybe it's because we talk about God at home and we've talked about what we think heaven is like. Maybe it's because I think my kids already know how much I love them and how much God loves them. They just rub me the wrong way. This crippled lamb story makes me want to vomit. And when I read the other one and it talks about the parent being in heaven to meet the child there, I think to myself, "Through God's infinite mercy, I will be there, but I am not absolutely sure I will be there. It's mine to lose." I don't want to start shoving questionable theology down my three year old's throat.

Speaking of questionable theology, I read and re-read this book recently. It's really a page-turner. It was recommended to me by a friend and I have passed it on to other people because I think, on the whole, it has a lot of good things to say to people who are suffering or who have suffered. I think that on the whole, the way it represents the Holy Trinity is very good.

But the author's treatment of organized religion gets my hackles up. In the book, he frequently asserts (from God's point of view) that organized religion is useless and set up by humans as a way to assert control over others. I'm not saying religion not used that way by some people, but I think that the Catholic Church is really where it's at, warts and all. Plus, it was founded by Jesus Christ HIMSELF. I would never pass this book on to, or recommend it to, someone whose relationship with the Church is on shaky ground.

So, there you have it. End of rant.

Thoughts on these books/authors? Is there something I'm missing?

I hate Halloween

Well, hate is a strong word, but I really don't like it. I think I like it even less than that cat over there does. It's not much more to me than a whole big, huge pain in the rear end. Getting costumes together is stressful. Then the inevitable, "I changed my mind. I don't want to be that; I want to be this" the week before Halloween. I set a deadline for the kids to tell me what they want to be on Halloween and then that's IT. Bub tried pulling this last weekend. When I reminded him that it was past the mind-changing deadline and that he wasn't going to be a skeleton, but Mario like he had told me the week before, my six year old son declared that "Fine! I'll wear it, but this is going to be the WORST HALLOWEEN EVER!!!!" To which I replied if he would truly like it to be the WORST HALLOWEEN EVER, he should mention costumes to me one more time and then he wouldn't be allowed to trick or treat.

What bothers me even more than my children's temper tantrums is the decidedly more evil and downright disturbingly scary turn that Halloween decorations have taken in recent years. It's to the point where I avoid the Halloween Aisle at our local Tar-jay. I had to go into a Halloween store last weekend with Curly Sue (looking for Mario and Luigi costume stuff). I should have marched right back out, but I didn't. She's had 2 nightmares since last Saturday and she usually sleeps like a baby. I blame my lousy parenting and the zombies and horror music at the store.

I can't wait till it's over. What are you (or your kids) going to be?

September 11

I remember that Sepember 11, 2001 dawned clear and bright. The cloudless sky was a brilliant shade of blue and the sunlight hadn't seemed so clear in a long time.


Primo (almost 8 months old at the time) and I were at home. I was watching TV. Scott and my mom (who was living with us at the time) had left for work already. I was watching a morning news program when they reported that a plane had crashed into one of the twin towers. What a horrible accident, I thought. Then, a few minutes later, another plane. My mom called, "This is not an accident," she said. I tried calling Scott, but he was working out in the gym, watching everything from an exercise bike.


The Pentagon. Pennsylvania. I called my girl friend, who was living on a Marine Corps Air Station at the time. They were fine.


I thought back to how I had interviewed for a couple of jobs in New York City in the year before. How one of those jobs was at a dot com in the financial district. I was glad I hadn't been offered one of those jobs. I remembered watching the coverage, watching those two towers-which I could see from the nearby highway overpass that I drove almost daily-collapse into dust and smoke. Watching papers from the office buildings fall like snow from the sky. Watching desperate people jump from the windows of those towers. Thinking about the firefighters, police officers, and civilians who were trapped in the rubble. Rejoicing at the recovery of one of the victims.


I remember how in the next couple of days, everyone walked around, numb. I remember how the wind shifted, blowing into our town in New Jersey from the East, from Manhattan, only 15 or 20 miles away as the crow flies. How hazy everything was and the smell that came in through our open windows. The smell of death.


I remember how six months afterward, the pain was lessened and there were two bright lights in the night sky which brought more comfort than I could have guessed as I looked up at them from my house, or anywhere I happened to be in our area.


I remember thinking about how life will never be the same again. This innocence, naivete, that we all had about how safe we were-how what happened in Israel almost every day could never happen here-was gone. How my child, my children to come, would always have September 11 in their history. How Primo would never remember a time when the Twin Towers stood tall, a symbol of American prosperity and our engineering ingenuity.


And how do I answer the questions of the 4th graders I taught in CCD that year? "Mrs. G., how can God let that happen? How could he let those bad guys kill all those people," when I wasn't entirely sure of the answers myself?


I also remember how we all came together, proud to be American. I remember that we were all going to show this new enemy, Osama Bin Laden, what we were made of and how we were not going to be bowed; we would not quake at his shaking fist. We live in the greatest country in the world, damnit!


Looking back now from the distance of 8 years, I wonder, where has that feeling of one-ness gone? Where has the feeling that we really DO live in the greatest country in the world gone? Where did all of that goodwill go?


September 11, 2001, was a day of senseless cruelty, of mass murder. It showed us how we needed each other. It showed us how truly selfless most of us are. Remember those firefighters and policemen, clergy and laypeople, who all rushed into the burning skyscrapers with no regard for their own safety? Where is that sense of selflessness now? Where is the unity?

Will it take another disaster for us to get it back?

curiouser and curiouser

Back in April or May, I took Vinny the Race Van in for an oil change to the guys we've had fixing our cars for the last 10 years or so. So, I get a phone call that I need new front brakes (he checked them while the van was on the lift for the oil change-as he says he always does). So, my $45 oil change turned into a $200 repair bill. I am ok with this because I know and trust these guys. I must really have needed them (I didn't hear them squeaking, I said. "Sometimes you don't," is the reply.).

So, the rear shocks started squeaking really loud and we finally got the guy across the street, M., to replace them. M. runs his own garage and will do stuff for us when it's big and doesn't need to be done right away, since he is really busy fixing up car to ship and sell them overseas. M. does our repairs for way way cheap-almost at cost. (aside: this is how we got Scott's new car last summer. Scott and M. saw it on a salvage auction site and then Scott bought it and M. fixed it up and Scott paid for the labor and parts. Scott got a 2003 Dodge Stratus for about $6000.)

So, M's helper drives my car back home to me on Saturday and he says, in his accented English, "The shocks were very bad, very dangerous. I have them here."

So, M.'s helper goes to pick up the new shocks boxes with the old shocks in them and I hear something rattling around inside. And crumbs are spilling out. Because the shocks had completely rusted through!!!!! They were crumbling because they were made of rust!!!!

So now, my question is, if these shocks were so bad that they were rusted right through, and our regular mechanic was looking at the brakes on my car 4 months ago, which are right next to my shocks, why did he not notice my rusty shocks? Do you think I even needed new front brakes? Have I been taken for the proverbial ride?

Discuss.

Random randomness, mixed emotions edition

Baseball superstar

1. I was really happy that the local PAL started a summer league and I was gung ho about the summer season. Reality, however, has set in, and it really adds a lot to our already full summer since Scott coaches Primo's team. Have I mentioned that I haven't gone to the beach yet?

2. I am happy that my house is cleaner, but I am not happy about how much more work it is than sitting on the couch after dinner and doing nothing. I'd call the maid, but she is already here.

3. I spent last Thursday cleaning my bedroom. This room would have made Niecy speechless and I don't think that's easy to do. I sent the kids to my in-laws because I needed not to be interrupted constantly because it was THAT bad. I found random clutter in here that had been "temporarily" shuffled up here for Primo's birthday party-in JANUARY-under the random First Communion party clutter. I didn't have dust bunnies. I had dust bison. And a protective layer of dust 1/4 inch thick. I wish I were exaggerating. I am horribly, horribly allergic to dust and it was getting unpleasant to sleep in here. The good news is that I got rid of the bison and 4 bags of clothing to give away, and also 3 bags of trash and 2 huge piles of paper to be recycled. And that was all just on MY side of the room, kids. We shall not discuss the state of Scott's dresser. The bad news is that I was very wheezy and sneezy for three days while the dust settled. But now I can not only walk in here, but I can also dance if I want to.

4. We went camping with Scott's family 2 weekends ago, which was a ton of fun. But we still have all of the camping equipment in my living room. Mostly 'cause I brought the other half of it in from my car this afternoon. My wonderful hubby keeps tripping over things and complaining, but he is the King of All That Goes in the Attic. If you're falling on it, pal, it's because you haven't put it away.

5. I am very glad that Scott is working on a Master's degree, and I am proud of his 3.84 average. But it is really cramping my style. He has to do classwork and that leaves me to do a lot more around here with no one's help but the kids. And the kids try, but they are not getting that camping stuff in the attic, people!

Mommy, can I peas feed da cat now?

6. Speaking of kids, we have a new chore chart where all of the kids have jobs to do according their ability. Curly Sue pretty much just feeds the cat and puts away her toys. The boys have more to do and everyone makes 10 cents for each job they do. And it is mostly working out well because I don't feel like I have to do everything myself, even when I have to help the kids get their jobs done (they're still learning-we're only on week 1). BUT I am starting to tire of the temper tantrums they throw when I tell them I need them to unload the dishwasher or vacuum the dining room rug.

You want me to scoop WHAT?!

Open letter to Pennsylvania

Dear Keystone State,

I know it's been a while since we last spoke, but I've been to visit you lately and I just love what you've done with the Susquehanna River Valley. Also, I-80 was very pleasant to drive, except for that one part by Stroudsburg two Sundays ago. You remember; it was 10:00 at night and there was a traffic tie-up for no apparent reason. We spent some of that traffic jam behing a livestock truck and then another part on the side of the road. Potty training the three year old--you know how it goes.

So, last time, I wanted to let you know my opinion about the whole fireworks thing. You know how you made it legal to sell fireworks, but only to people from out of state. States like New Jersey where it is illegal to have personal arsenals of fireworks? I wonder how Ohio feels about that whole deal.... I digress.

This time, I think we really need to talk about the fact that you have legalized gambling. First it was slots at the racetracks. I think that was OK. No big deal. But now a casino in Bethlehem? With an Emeril restaurant yet?

Hello? A casino? First Connecticut with their Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun, then New York with their Yonkers casino, and now you? Boy, you think you know a state and then they go and stab you in the back. Casinos are our thing: Atlantic City. You want slots, craps, blackjack, you come to good old AC. What's next? Are you going to dump a whole bunch of sand on the banks of the Delaware River and call it the new shore? "Why drive 2 hours to the ocean when you could get to the shore on the Delaware in half the time?"

What did we ever do to you? We give you blueberries, tomatoes, peaches, good pizza, and the Sopranos and this is how you repay us? This is not being a good neighbor. You know what? You can keep your funnel cake, OK? We'll stick to our zeppoles from now on. And keep your bennies off our beaches. Maybe they can stick around Bethlehem and leave more room for the Staten Islanders. Fuggedaboudit.

Amy

Pet peeve

You know what I just can't stand?

Man bashing.

Every time I hear some woman talking trash about her husband, I want to smack her upside her head.

Every time I hear some woman say, "Men and babies, same thing," I want to wring her neck.

Every time I have to endure a guy like Al Bundy on TV, I want to throw a brick through my TV.

Since when does a woman need to beat up on a man to feel good? Why in HELL would you say things like this in front of your children about their father?

Most husbands are good men, who sacrifice mightily for their wives and children. If your man is acting like an idiot, maybe you need to examine how you treat him. Do you act like you love him? Do you talk to him in ways that are emasculating? Do you treat him like a child? Do you thank him for what he does? Do you do kind things for him?

Yes, maybe you (like me) have to remind your husband about appointments. Maybe you have to take out the garbage sometimes (even though you agreed when you got married that it was his job). Do you never forget things? Do you remember that he told you he was working late?

Give him a break, hon.

Or don't sit next to me.

The two worlds collide!

An acquaintance of mine from church and Primo's school has sent me a Facebook friend request. I like her, and she's a good person and friendly, but I am having an existential crisis of Seinfeldian proportions:

George: Ah, you have no idea of the magnitude of this thing. If she [Susan, George's fiancee] is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza as you know him, ceases to exist! You see, right now, I have Relationship George, but there is also Independent George. That's the George you know, the George you grew up with -- Movie George, Coffee Shop George, Liar George, Bawdy George!
Jerry: I love that George.
George: Me too! And he's dying, Jerry! If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George! A George, divided against itself, cannot stand!

I haven't decided to accept this friend request or not. Feedback?