Dear Entertainment Magazine,
I just want to let you know that I got all of your letters, asking me to come back. And I noticed the cardboard cover on a recent issue that proclaimed, "This could be your LAST issue!"
But two weeks ago, when I opened one of your letters pleading with me to renew my subscription (at 65% off the cover price), you told me that I had 57 issues left.
I am afraid you want too much from our relationship. I am simply not ready to commit my life to you. I am a married woman with three small children. I am already committed to someone else. Someone real who feeds my soul in ways other than through entertainment gossip.
I just want to be good friends. I enjoy our time together. I need to take this relationship one year at a time. Maybe a two year deal when I can afford it.
Please understand that it's not you, it's me. I read every issue that comes to my mailbox (including the one which arrived this past Friday-after my subscription "ended") in one sitting. I read all of the book and movie reviews, even for the books I will never read and for the movies I will never see. I even read the advertising. I have taken part in your online customer service surveys and read your website, desperate for more information on The Middleman (ABC Family: I'm waiting). I have voted on whose Oscar dresses were pretty and whose were pretty awful. And you were wonderfully accommodating when I called and asked for you to put me on the fragrance-free mailing list. My migraine-less head is so grateful.
I love you like a friend, EM. That's all our relationship is, and all it ever can be. I hope that one day you will understand.